I used to pour vodka into my lemonade at my own children's birthday parties. Not enough for anyone to notice the smell ' just enough to take the edge off the noise, the games, the sticky chaos of it all. I told myself it was harmless. That I deserved something to get through the boredom. I'd stand there smiling for photos, pretending I was present, while quietly getting high on the side. Other parents laughed. My kids trusted me. I don't know when it stopped being a bad habit and became a quiet dependency. I only know that one day I caught my son watching me refill the glass too carefully, and something in his face told me he already knew.